Dealing with Hatred

I would like to breifly post on a happening that occurred to me, possibly spiritual in nature.

The Background: I had undergone a family situation that had caused some level of misery to me in some childhood years. I was surprised how much I had forgotten. I also now believe, I had never fully processed it very well, because of certain shocks I received and just pushed aside.

In my spiritual “clean-up” process, where I decided to follow spiritual adivce and certai spiritual “rules”, I have inadvertently revisited this event and had to ask myself why? Why did this take place and what could I have done differently? (In this situation I have part of the “blame” because I could have said no). How do things like this happen?

This has helped me to learn things about myself, and about the nature of pressure, and intellect vs. heart.

If I am to handle a cleaner interior, and leave less things in my subconscious and make them conscious, be aware of my thoughts, and be with my feelings, then… In recent months it has not always been an easy thing. In Kriya Yoga – Jesus Teachings of Love, we are told that we will eventually love at all times, and even in the Bible it says to the Christian community: love your enemy. The question is, are we really doing this? And how do you go about this. There is also something called honesty.

There is no shortcut, and there is no “fake” or “surface” loving that will suffice, this message somehow I have received.

Now, I will share what happened, in a breif way.

I was made to face the event and look at all that happened. Which I now can see, I never wanted to. Because it is something that is “not supposed to happen” and something that is more than a simple mistake, it is something to which a lot of disgust and negative emotional reactions from the public are attached to.

<<Also looking back at sexuality in the human population overall, how sexuality develops, how we practice sex, our sexual desires, how it starts, all the versions of sex that people practice, with love, without love, lust, how it happens, the nature of desire, etc. I can see that having hypocritical onlookers really does not help the “victims” of these situations at all. It creates an additional burden to the healing process. And is disempowering.

Because like any situation of abuse, which we all face at some point in our life, be it work-related, etc. The ultimate solution is never hate, neither does the hate help to look at the underlying causes in the perpetrator or victim. There are many people who are abused in other ways and do not go through a whole drama about it, and it is not because of any *denial* or *suppression* but a REAL lack of drama due to other factors.>>

In any event, here is what happened a few days ago.

As I let myeslf explore that event that occurred in my past, in the best honesty I could, I noticed I started to develop what I would call hatred.

There was no action, no plans, no imagined actions, associated with this “hate” that I began to feel, just the uncomfortable emotion. I can see how one can “slide” into an area where, one can “releif” this feeling by wielding it in a destructive way at the other person.

I was dealing with feelings of being violated, or “taken for an idiot.” But the central point in my “irritation” that I had started to carry, involved the heart and motivation of the other person.

Since I was not in the mind of the person deciding to convince me, I do not know, whether the person knew all along that what he was selling me was uneccessary, or whether he really believed that it was necessary.

There was a spectrum, where if I thought of the situation as if the person was simply convinced this was absolutely necessary (even if he was wrong, but in his mind he thought he was providing me a true benefit, or necessary) then I felt much less the sensation of hatred and even compassion and like I could deal with this entire situation better. But if, in my imagination, the person was holding within himself a “compartment”- knowing that he had to blind me to a certain extent, in order to make the whole situation work, then my potential of hatred reached a potential of fury.

<However, I cannot become self-righteous and fully “victim” because this situation also involved my lack of action, and also involved some sort of purely physical benefit for me. I could have said NO. Even despite all the reasonings you state for my benefit, and you assert that this is necessary even despite it’s secret nature. But I still say no, because I simply am not desiring this, my heart is not fully in this.>

Now, even before this, I had many years considered myself to be able to withstand many types of random “maltreatment” for example yelling, impatient, contempt, or whaterver “mode” from others, not responding with the same level of energy. I had also seen how destructive and truly unecessary anger was in many situations that could be resolved peacefully. For many years I had never hated this person, but it was partially due to framing the event in a quick way, but that kind of involved ignoring something on a more subtle level.

One day I decided to stop watching so many guru videos and start just doing the Love Prayer. Even though recently I had not had much success with it. It might be something tense in me.

That day I laid down and did my best to focus on kutashta and connect with God. After a few minutes, I noticed a quiet instruction to go, and ask what I had thought about asking that person.

I resisted at first, thinking: can this really be instruction? or is it just my ego wanting to get what it wants, make the other person feel discomfort (interrogate)? So I stayed there. Then I said, maybe some other time. Later. But then I noticed a fear arise in me, a feeling like I am too weak or I am scared to do this. So then I thought, if I am postponing and afraid to do this, then it might *not* be my ego desiring just one chance to make the person feel bad. I continued to stay there in confusion, I just tried to clear my mind and connect more with God. Somehow the quiet instruction was still there, the more good I started to feel and relaxed, its as if the message would become more motivating.

So fear aside, I rose up and went with it.

I approached the person and asked the question. It was a simple question, and when I approached and saw the person I did not have any hate in me. It was as if I was “just doing my job” it had that kind of feeling. “What was the reason that it was deemed necessary to give me training in “xyz”? Why did you decide it was necessary? Because looking back on all, I feel I did not gain any benefit from it, rather it put me in a very hard situation of things to face.”

The answer I received was “Well, we would have to see. .”

Which of course is no answer. Then I continued to speak and it was as if I was on auto-pilot. And I was calm as well. There was no hatred in me. It was very reflective. I continued to speak about what I felt, and what I thought, the factors that I had somewhat unconsciously considered in allowing this to happen, and how unecessary it was. And it’s family consequences that undeniably stemmed from that.

As I continued to speak, the person became agitated and got up to walk around. Later they went to lay down then they got back up and complained of feeling suddenly very hot.

Of course, there was no temperature fluctuation.

After this happened, I suddenly felt a lightness in an area somewhere between my solar plexus and neck. I had never known, that I carried “weight” there.

My body overall felt very light. My mind somehow became more “fluid” and a flurry of extraneous thoughts passed forth but felt more “fluid.” As I prepared for bed, I sat down and put lotion on my feet. I looked at my hand, and it felt like a living wonder, this hand. And my feet, I had this feeling as if “this body is so complete” as if my foot was amazing. Probably feeling energy or some energy was released throughout my whole body. I had never EVER looked at my foot as a precious thing or thinking “this body is so complete.”

In the end, it is important to forgive all. All compulsive behavior in others. Forgive all weakness in others. Fear in others. Forgive all angry people.

Because most likely we too, also still do compulsive behaviors. Forgive all haters as well. They are stuck in a place. The important thing is to learn our lessons and continue to grow. To share more joy, more fun, more peace, and higher dimensions of life. To become strong and loving, and closer to God, and of course eventually reach our home in God.